Life is precious

I have wanted to sit down and blog so many times but find that the last few weeks have been way too difficult that when i sit down to blog the tears come way to freely.  Last week we were getting back into the swing of things after my mom, sister and nieces left after an great visit. It was so much fun to have them come spend spring break with us- also very exhausting as there were 8 little ones and if i could have bottled all that energy i would have been good for months- now come to think of it maybe years:)  We were headed to the Y for swim lessons etc. and also to survive a night alone as Darcy had to work.  As we came in from the Y it seemed that everyone needed me at once- always a crazy time especially because there are two infants- and poor Ben usually waits as he is one  patient child.  Well Ella was in the excersaucer and the next thing I know she is slumped forward- very terrifying as we lost a nephew to SIDS a few years ago- flashbacks of that situation always come when one of the kids is sick etc.  Well after a few minutes it seemed that Ella was having some type of seizure- I was able to get one of my friends that is a nurse (also neighbor) to come see her- so we were off to call the paramedics to check her out- anyway- it all came to a point were Darcy was now home from work and two dear friends came over to watch the kids- i never realized how fear makes you completely unable to function- i was unable to help get the kids ready for bed- set out bottles for Ben etc. I was ony focused on holding Ella as if in some way that would prevent anything further from happening- i must say that it is the first time that i have ever in my life had to tell myself to breathe- horrible! Well we went to the children's hopsital and they kept us for several hours and came to the conclusion that they had no idea what was going on- should be comforting but not! We took her home and at 1:30 i put her in bed knowing that God is in control and loves her in ways that I never can and that he would protect her- what i needed to do was to trust and sleep- and somehow I did.  The next few days were followed with me being extremely short tempered with the other kids as i was focused on making sure nothing else happened with Ella- not like i could really control this.  We ended up back at the hospital for more tests(due to her age) and then came home with no more answers then we had a week ago.  Overall the last few days have made me have to deal with the loss of our nephew which remains such a painful experience as well as the fact that I cannot control life (very hard fact to embrace) Ella is doing well and i snow focused on crawling and to look at her would assume that nothing is wrong- we pray that it is a once in a lifetime event.  The whole experience has made me once again turn all over to God to say that his ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts higher than my thoughts.  I have realized how my focus has been on surviving the twins infancy instead of embracing it tired days and all and laughing more with the kids.  We have spent precious time the last week laughing, reading and just plain talking- i have realized that there are many things that were taking my time that in the end mean really nothing.  The most precious things are those that should be focused on.  There are so many things in the last two months that have made me understand where people are coming from when they say they are ready for heaven- i have honestly never really felt quite like that- my heart has been very broken for several dear close people in my life who are facing very difficult things- and in my own life i have realized that life comes with joy but also pain.  Through all this I am learning what it means to say that God is good all the time- I am learning that i see such a small part of the tapestry of his grace and mercy and i need to be reminded of that so that I do hold steadfast to the promises he gives.  As we struggle through some of the things we wish we could avoid I am aware of God's presence and that is more than i could ask for- I am thankful that he holds me in the palm of his hand and must say thankful for the last week- with all its trials etc. that it once again made me turn my eyes to him as they were slipping away into looking at the things of this world.